It’s been a long few weeks for me.
I suppose that’s dissociation for you.
I’m actually doing much better today then I was throughout all of last week. I don’t feel as empty and while the fog is still kind of there, I can feel it slowly lifting.
There is one good thing that came out of the mess that was last week.
I spent some time reflecting on my life over the last several years. The highs, the lows, and everything in between.
I’ve come to realize that my mental illness has affected my life far more significantly than I had really let myself believe. I fooled myself into thinking that I was okay, that my moments of depression or anxiety had nothing to do with my BPD…
That’s not the case though.
Knowledge is power.
Knowing that all my struggles are related to one thing helps. My self-inflicted isolation, and lack of any real friends, is caused by the “I HATE YOU… please don’t leave” aspect of BPD. I’ve always told myself that is was easier and safer for me and those around me if I just kept to myself.
I realize this may seem odd, but it’s taken me years to realize that I can’t continue down that road.
I have a need for friendship and interaction with others, and I need to learn how to make that work even with my flaws.
I need to seek healing, and therapy, because I can’t continue to stay at the place I am in life.
I honestly never realized how much BPD affected my life until recently. I thought I did okay, I thought it didn’t really impact my life that much, but I was wrong.
I am thankful for the struggles that teach me about my life. I can’t grow without them.
Now it’s time to pick up the pieces of my life and start moving forward.
It’s time to figure out what works in my life with setting goals and planning in general that is consistent with how my brain works. I have to determine what my triggers are and how to avoid them. I need to find ways that build me up through the tough times and help me to be more steady during the good times. I also need to build relationships that will help me through those struggles.
I’ve accepted the fact that I need to get professional help to become better, there are no questions about that, I can’t sit idly by like I’ve done in the past.
It’s okay to need help.
I know this, and I want you to know it too.
We can’t always be strong and on top of the world. Sometimes we need to be vulnerable and have others help us out of the place in which we’ve found ourselves.
All I can do now is to work toward recovery and building a better life for myself.